


A moment to forgive

by NandaWrites



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types
Genre: Domestic Fluff, Episode: s02e05 Dust and Shadows, Fix-It, Fluff, Light Angst, M/M, Massage, Polyamory, Stream of Consciousness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-04
Updated: 2018-05-04
Packaged: 2019-05-01 22:11:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,297
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14530302
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NandaWrites/pseuds/NandaWrites
Summary: Darkness had taken over their lives and twisted them from inside out - Alec being possessed by the demon and made to kill Jocelyn was just the latest of a series of traumas and guilt that haunted them.They were broken, but they were together, and only for one night they wanted to be away from it all, to give themselves time to heal, to feel loved and safe, and to search for the forgiveness that, in the end, could only be found from within.





	A moment to forgive

**Author's Note:**

> This is a gift for @runedalexander and @inthequiver on Tumblr, my wives, the lights of my life, the Alec and Jace to my Magnus. I don't know what I would have done these past years without you two. You are amazing and I love you two to death and I hope this fic works at least as a small way of showing just how much <3 And happy birthday, Cy!
> 
> This fic is based on the scene in 02X05 where Alec jumps off the roof and goes to Magnus', but it's been over an year and I did not rewatch the episodes, so I probably butchered the timeline of the show, so please don't pay much attention to that and just enjoy this fluff-fest!

Jace cursed and hit the railing that surrounded the roof of the Institute as he watched Alec land and run away in the night, then he hit it again just out of frustration - both his and the one that he could feel from his parabatai seeping in through their bond. There was so much sadness and anger and self-loathing hanging around them these days, so much fear and darkness and hurt, it was suffocating. Why couldn't things just work out right for them for just a moment? Just when Jace had managed to finally sort his situation and come back, it was Alec that was suddenly crumbling to pieces.

No, he reminded himself, thinking back on how he had rushed into Magnus' loft to find Alec semi-dead on a bed. Alec's life had been crumbling for even longer than that, because of him. He gritted his teeth and tried to ignore the voice inside of him that told him it was all his fault, that if he hadn't gone to Valentine in the first place, that if he had been there to help with the demon instead of locked in the City of Bones, that if he simply wasn't what he was... _To love is to destroy_ , his father's voice whispered in his ear and he shook his head to get rid of it. Now wasn't the time to wallow in self-pity, now Alec needed him. He could feel him through their bond, calling out to him, even if he had pushed him away in his distressed state.

He jumped out of the roof as well and cursed again when he straightened himself up and couldn't spot Alec anywhere he looked. Now just where in the angel's name could he had gone to?

The answer came to him in a whisper in the back of his mind and it was so obvious he didn't know how he hadn't immediately known it. 

Magnus. He was going to Magnus. Of course.

With a set course in mind, Jace turned around to where Alec had disappeared to and started running.

 

\--//--

 

It wasn't late, but Magnus was exhausted, the weight of everything that had happened on the past days heaving on his shoulders and making him crave a hot bath and an early sleep. He was about to go do that after finishing up his work for the day when he spotted the lone figure in his fire escape, only the knowledge that his wards wouldn't allow anyone malicious to pass through keeping him from getting a heart attack. He looked again and his heart nearly broke at the sight, his legs propelling him outside before he could even command them to.

"Alec...", he breathed out, a myriad of emotions in one simple word: empathy, worry, hope, love, the desperate pull to ease the other's pain as soon as possible, as he looked into eyes that bore a sadness and a guilt no one should have to endure, much less someone so young.

"I can't be in the Institute", an admittance that beared so much more, and it only made Magnus' heart break further for the boy.

Talking about Camille wasn't any easier. It was a question and an answer that spoke of almost two centuries of bittersweet love, of pain, but also of tender memories that just wouldn't go away. Breaking free of Camille had been a choice that he was proud of and didn't regret, and still... And still there was a part of him, that had wanted to say yes when she asked. How could he explain that to Alec without making it sound like it had any impact on his feelings for the boy? Because it didn't. Emotions were just... weird.

Thankfully, Alec didn't ask him to, and the weight inside of him lessened considerably, so he went back to his efforts to try and do the same for him. If he could make him feel better in any way, even if just a bit, to let go for a moment of the guilt and pain, it would be worth it. 

He was on the middle of his speech when he felt, more than heard, the presence at his door and a great relief came over him. _Finally_ , he thought, and sent out a push of magic to unlock it. Jace's soft steps sounded through the apartment, searching, until he was standing right beside Magnus as he finished what he had to say, staring into Alec's eyes, feelings a mirror of the ones the warlock had felt.

 

"You came," Alec pointed out, guilty, resigned, and a tad bit hopeful.

"Did you really expect me not to?", Jace asked, and Alec shook his head after a moment.

"No... But I really didn't want you to."

In spite of the words, all Jace did was smile and shake his head. "You are such an awful liar. Weren't you listening to Magnus just now? I know you, _we_ know you. When you feel guilty or hurt you punish yourself. Not that I can say much about that, but the point is, you don't need to lie or pretend with us, because we are going to guess what you mean anyway, so what's the point? We both know that when you say 'Jace, I didn't want you to come after me' you actually mean 'Oh, Jace, please come find me, I can't function without your massive intellect and killer good looks there to guide me’."

The awful impression earned himself a snicker from Magnus, but most importantly a choked laugh from Alec.

"That's _really_ not what I mean", he smiled, but then sighed and slumped a bit back against the fire escape's railing again. "I just... don't know what to do."

"...I think...", Magnus started, and they both turned to look at him, he had a gentle smile on his face and only the slow rub of his thumb over his fingers betrayed how nervous he actually was, "That we all deserve a night off. We have all been through different kinds of hell lately, and we deserve some time to relax and focus on ourselves, and forgive ourselves, and forget, just for a little while. Okay?"

He reached out a hand to Alec, and the boy winced a bit. He didn't think he deserved any sort of thing at the moment, he deserved the pain and punishment, but at the same time he was so tired, so so tired of it all, and Magnus' offer and his and Jace's soft looks were so tempting, he found himself craving this small freedom like he had never craved anything in his life. All their problems would still be there in the morning, but only for tonight he wanted to be able to pretend. He slowly reached his hand back to Magnus he felt the soothing tingle of his magic healing his bruised skin before he had even held on to it. "...Okay."

A sudden movement and then his other hand was grasped firmly by Jace, who was grinning at him. "Okay," he answered as well, with confidence, and Alec admired his parabatai's strength to be able to smile so openly after everything he had been through. He could only hope some of that confidence seeped through to him on the course of this night.

Maybe it already was, because he found himself smiling back at the both of them, his two golden lights, and nodding fiercely now as he repeated "Okay".

He caught, on the edge of his vision, Magnus' hand grasping onto Jace's other one and the blond squeezing back, and he felt his heart swell in his chest, pushing away the dark feelings and thoughts that had been consuming him, and if maybe his eyes got a bit red and he had to blink away the push of tears, well, he knew that neither of them would judge him for it.

They each pulled at him until he got up, a bit off balance, and Magnus leaned closer to kiss his cheek as they walked back inside. Of course, as Jace never wanted to be left behind, that just prompted him to kiss his other cheek and Magnus rolled his eyes and muttered that it wasn't a competition as Alec chuckled. Jace answered that Magnus was only saying that because he knew he would lose and the next thing Alec knew they were leaning on his shoulders and pushing him down, making him bend his knees with a yelp and turn himself shorter so the both of them could kiss over his head, something quick as Alec swatted them away in retaliation. 

He knew it was a small show aimed to make him feel better, and he felt at once grateful and lighter than he had been for weeks.

"At least let's get inside first, before you two start being ridiculous."

A chorus of "He started!" answered him and he rolled his eyes, trying hard not to smile as he pulled both of them by their hands through the double doors of Magnus' balcony, that slid shut in a spark of blue behind them.

 

\--//--

 

The bubble bath was Magnus' idea and the pillow fort in the living room was Jace's, but the massage had surprisingly been Alec's. It sparked from a thought that had first occurred to him as they were holding hands, and had only grown stronger as they shared small kisses and stayed together in their bath.

Ever since he had woken up after the demon possession, Alec had felt... weird. Disconnected from his own body. 

There had been an alien presence in himself and he had had absolutely no control as his body ceased to be his and was used to do something he would never do. He had felt the tiredness afterwards, the strain in his muscles, had seen the blood in his hands, but it wasn't... his. It had been terrifying, still was, to know that had happened so easily, that he had been taken over like that. He still kept expecting his body to suddenly move, do something without his command, even if he knew the demon was gone. He laid awake at night, slowly moving different parts of his body, trying to resettle this body as his, but it still felt foreign to him, and it was a deeply disturbing sensation. He supposed the only bright side of this situation was that it had been him, and not Jace. If he was so affected by it, he couldn't even imagine how his parabatai - that had a necessity for control that bordered on compulsion, and saw his body as the one sure thing he had absolutely domain over - would react.

But he had found out that their touches, as opposed to his own, helped. He hadn't been able to feel anything with the demon in his body, hadn't known of Jocelyn's hands fighting him, but he had been able to feel their hands holding on to his own in the balcony. He could feel their lips on his cheeks and mouth as they walked inside and Magnus prepared the bath. He could feel his own hands on Magnus' hair as he helped him wash it and Jace's shoulder brushing against his as they sat side by side in the tub. He could feel them, and touch them, and more important of all there wasn't anything malicious in any of these touches, they meant only kindness and care and love, never the intent to harm, and he would have never had been capable of that with the demon inside of him. Demons knew only how to destroy, and with each gentle touch he could feel his body becoming more and more his own again, so when it was his turn to choose what he wanted to do for the night, he had chosen the massage. 

None of this would magically fix things, it wouldn’t take away the pain and the hurt, but it was a step, for all of them.

"Sandalwood," Jace had shuddered once they were out of the bath and he was squirting some of the massage oil Magnus had lent to him in his hands. They were all on their underwear, sprawled over some of the many pillows, cushions and blankets that they had gathered from every corner of the house to throw at the living room floor and hang over with magic. There were surprisingly a lot. "Why is it always sandalwood? The shampoo, the soap, now even the massage oil. I feel like I'm drowning in sandalwood."

Alec just rolled his eyes once again at his parabatai's antics, his own hands full of the oil as he rubbed it through Magnus' shoulders and back, the warlock being sat in front of him. "We like sandalwood," he declared proudly, leaning in to give a quick kiss to the back of Magnus' ear.

Jace scoffed. "Don't you "we" me. Honestly, I am surprised the damn lube isn't sandalwood, you already put it everywhere else, why not up your asses? For the record," he added, as he settled in behind Alec and started on the same careful motions and presses over his shoulders, " _I_ don't like sandalwood."

"Well luckily for us, _we_ don't care about what you think", Magnus quipped in, too cheerfully to carry any actual truth. "And if you want to know, scented lube isn't good, it irritates the skin. I don't suppose you want _that_ kind of pain in your ass."

" _You_ are a pain in my ass", Jace retorted, but soon yelped as he felt the very distinct sensation of someone slapping his ass, which by all accounts shouldn't have been possible considering he was sitting down and the only other two people in the room were in front of him. He watched the blue energy dissipate from Magnus' hand and Alec chuckle as he asked what he had done, so he leaned forward and lightly kicked the warlock's side with his foot in retaliation.

"What? I was just proving your point. Come on, stop pouting and come here."

He patted the spot in front of him and Jace shook his head, going back to focusing on the way his fingers were gliding over and pressing onto his parabatai's back, sending away all the spots of tension he could find - and there were a lot. "I'm good. And not done with Alec yet."

"Now, don't be silly. Alexander, move a bit like this. Perfect. Now Jace, come here."

Easily, the two let Magnus move them around, curious in what he had in mind and completely comfortable and trusting to let him move them as he pleased. When he finished, the three of them were sitting close together, almost in a circle. They had to twist slightly to the side to reach the person in front of them, which probably wouldn’t be recommended by any actual masseuse, but like this they all could give and receive a massage at the same time, the close proximity between all of them just making it better.

It was a beautiful thing for Alec to watch Magnus' dexterous fingers dance over Jace's back and shoulders and have his parabatai lean back onto the touch, accepting and comfortable. He had been skittish and broken after they had gotten him back from Valentine and the clutches of the City of Bones. So lost, so hurt, a permanent stream of anguish and yearn constantly flowing to Alec through their bond, reminding him of the impressions he had had of Jace when he had just moved into the Institute. 

_Love me, because no one ever has_. That thought he had had when he was eleven still haunted him to this day and it hurt more than words could describe to look at Jace and be reminded of them again after so many years, all the progress he had thought they had managed to accomplish together stripped and reverted to near zero, so Alec had been pouring all of himself to make Jace whole again, make him feel safe and loved and, most importantly, _worth it_.

And Magnus, of course, had been there for them every step of the way, doing just the same: loving and protecting them, and they him. Alec still couldn’t believe how lucky he was that he could have all this, could have _them_. Could have all this happiness in his life, everything he had ever wanted and dreamed of and more. He and Jace had loved each other one way or another ever since they were kids and with time the feelings only got stronger, unbearably so since he thought they were unrequited. He may have thought that maybe, with time, they would have been able to figure it out on their own, but he never, in a hundred life times, could have predicted Magnus and the revolution he brought with him.

He was like the secret piece him and Jace had been missing to settle right into themselves and in their lives, he had healed and helped them, and Alec knew they had done the same to him. Between the three of them, there was so much love he barely knew what to do with it sometimes, other than to hold them as close as possible for hours and hours. They had helped Jace, slowly but surely, so he knew the both of them would be able to help him now. He trusted them with his heart, his body, his soul and his sanity. No matter how bleak the times were or how dark and scary his own feelings got, he knew they would be able to overcome it together and it filled him with warmth and hope. He just knew it.

“…-lec? Alec!”

Jace’s voice broke him out of his stupor and he looked up, being met with two pairs of worried golden eyes, Jace leaning over his shoulder to check on him.

“Are you okay? You kind of disappeared inside your own head for a while there.”

He looked from one face to the other, both very different, but unfathomably dear to him. His body was tingling pleasantly from the gentle caress of Jace’s hands, his own still wrapped around Magnus’ shoulders, and for the first time in days he actually felt like himself, like this was his body and his life and his control. The demon was gone and so was his influence over him, for good.

He smiled at them, seeing the worry drain out and relax from their expressions. “I am perfect, just thinking about how this was the best idea any of us has ever had.”

They smiled in relief and laughed back at him, Magnus thanking him with a proud tone and Jace rolling eyes fondly before nuzzling his neck.

“I kind of agree. You think we could make this a weekly thing?”

“I don’t see why not. What do you think, Alexander?”

Rationally, Alec knew with the lives they had they couldn’t promise something like that, but tonight wasn’t about reality and the horrors in their lives, it was a night about hope and love. It was a night to heal and dream and to forgive themselves, like Magnus had proposed. And even though neither Alec or any of them could just get rid of the guilt and the weight on their shoulders in only one night, he really did feel lighter and hopeful that, if they were together, they would be able to accomplish anything.

He took each of their hands again and squeezed, mimicking the gesture they had done on the beginning of the night, and smiled brightly at them.

“Yes, I think that would be perfect.”

His name was Alexander Lightwood. He could forgive himself. And he was exactly where he belonged.

**Author's Note:**

> Have a fic request? Leave it for me at [nandawrites](http://www.nandawrites.tumblr.com)! All ships and prompts accepted!


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